plain english ASIA

Extreme Document Makeover

August 23rd, 2011 No Comments

Here’s something that arrived in my inbox this morning. I wonder:

Does the writer really expect people to read this?

It’s turgid officialese. It’s lazy too. Here it is:

To : All Staff
From : Human Resources Office
Date : 22 August 2011

Complying the Mandatory Provident Fund Schemes Ordinance [Chapter 485] (the “Ordinance”)

This is a regular reminder regarding the above.

The territory-wide Mandatory Provident Fund (MPF) scheme came into effect from 1 December 2000. Other than exempted persons, an employee of age between 18 and 65 under an employment contract for a continuous period of not less than 60 days shall enrol to an MPF scheme. The University, as an employer, is obliged under the Ordinance to enrol every relevant employee to the Company’s MPF Scheme and make mandatory contributions to the Trustee within time limits. Should an employer fail to comply with these requirements, the Trustee may report the case to the Mandatory Provident Fund Authority. According to Section 43B of the Ordinance, an employer who, without reasonable excuse, fails to comply with a requirement imposed on employers commits an offence. An employer who is convicted of an offence is liable to a fine and imprisonment.

Being a responsible employer, I am writing to remind that it is of paramount importance for us to enrol relevant employees to the Company’s MPF scheme and make contributions to the Trustee within time limits. For employees who are eligible for MPF, you are requested to submit relevant documents in relation to your MPF enrolment to Human Resources Office without delay. Anyone who is found causing late enrolment and contributions to the Company’s MPF Scheme may be liable to disciplinary/legal actions.

For enquiries on the above, please contact the HR colleagues serving your department. Your kind cooperation in this matter is much appreciated. Thank you.

A. Bureaucrat
Director of Human Resources

Why is it lazy?

It’s lazy as it’s addressed to ‘All staff’ yet only applies to new staff. It’s lazy because large chunks of it are generic legalese, either extracted directly from the ordinance or possible from the MPF Authority’s blurb. It’s lazy because it contains more than a few grammatical mistakes.

It’s turgid because, at 281 words, much of it is superfluous. I managed to rewrite this into 162 words. Here’s the rewrite:

To : All new staff
From : Human Resources Office
Date : 22 August 2011

The Mandatory Provident Fund Schemes Ordinance: Your obligation

Welcome to the [Company] staff.

I write to remind you of one important point relating to your employment at the Company.

If you are between 18 and 65 and employed on a contract of 60 days or more*, the Company is obliged to enrol you in the Mandatory Provident Fund (MPF) scheme and make mandatory contributions.

To enable us to meet our obligation, we ask that you complete all enrolment forms accurately and promptly.

Since both parties are subject to harsh penalties if the enrolment is not completed satisfactorily, we very much appreciate your full co-operation.

If you have questions, please contact your HR consultant, [name] on [tel no].

Regards,

A. Guy
Director of Human Resources

*If you believe you may be exempt from joining the MPF scheme, check here: exempted people and let your HR consultant know immediately.

I hope you’ll agree that the rewrite is easier to understand, quicker to read and gives an impression of sincerity rather than one of officialdom.

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Never ever do this: Please refer to the attached

December 28th, 2010 No Comments

Handling attachments can be tricky. Never, ever do this:

Would you open this attachment? I didn’t. Without any content in the body of the email, no clue as the content of this attachment and no close relationship with the sender, this went straight into my trash folder. If I could, I would block the sender. I can’t because it was a blast to all staff in the university where I work.

This has inspired a future post on How to handle attachments. Subscribe to receive notifications of future posts.

Apple beats Microsoft again!

November 30th, 2010 No Comments

I am not a techie. But, I am a user of both Apple and Microsoft products. I’m also in the business of communications, and so feel qualified to comment on how the two companies do in this respect.

Steve Jobs has long been lauded as an excellent public speaker. Bill Gates has not. But, lets look at what their companies produce in written form.

Apple-speak is clear-speak

Let’s compare two similar documents:

Microsoft’s Guidelines and requirements for add-ons that extend Internet
Explorer

Apple’s App Store Review Guidelines

Here’s the intro to both documents:

Users of Internet Explorer 8 (IE8) expect to be in full control of their browser and browser settings, and expect to be able to use all IE8 features.

This includes, for example:

· The ability to use their preferred search provider and home page

· The ability to be in full control of Internet Explorer and any software that affects the functionality of Internet Explorer

Microsoft recommends that all Internet Explorer add-on software should follow these guidelines:

Introduction
We’re thrilled that you want to invest your talents and time to develop applications for iOS. It has been a rewarding experience – both professionally and financially – for tens of thousands of developers and we want to help you join this successful group. This is the first time we have published our App Store
Review Guidelines. We hope they will help you steer clear of issues as you develop your app, so that it speeds through the approval process when you submit it.

Both documents continue in this style. Which one would you prefer to read?

Microsoft’s style is standard. It’s not terrible; it’s just standard. It refers to the ‘user’ as some nameless, faceless person throughout. It even refers to itself in the third person.

Apple’s style is, as Lucy Kellaway put in the FT, put it: “direct, comic and elegantly threatening”. This is a legal document aimed at techies. Yet, it is not only clear, it is funny.

Unlike Microsoft, they use a much more personal style (‘we’, ‘you’), humour and a refreshing honesty. They anticipate questions, ambiguities and potential objections and address them. For example:

We will reject Apps for any content or behavior that we believe is over the line. What line, you ask? Well, as a Supreme Court Justice once said, “I’ll know it when I see it”. And we think that you will also know it when you cross it.

Once again, Apple comes up trumps.

Read what they write in all its glory:

Apple App Store Review Guidelines

Data Privacy Commissioner calls for plain language

November 4th, 2010 No Comments

A local company, Octopus Rewards Limited, was recently found to have violated the principles of personal data protection.

After investigation, the Privacy Commissioner for Personal Data, Mr. Allan Chiang has published a report making several recommendations. One of them relates to using plain language.

He suggests all ‘data users’ (ie those collecting personal data) create an effective Personal Information Collection Statement (PICS).To be effective, Mr Chiang proposes the following:

Layout, including the font size, spacing, underlining, use of appropriate highlights, key words and contrasts, be designed so that the PICS is easily readable to individuals with normal eyesight.

The PICS by Octopus Rewards Limited was printed in unreasonably small fonts (about 1 X 1mm for English and 2 X 2mm for Chinese).

The language be reader-friendly.

This includes using simple rather than difficult words and avoiding legal terms, liberal and vague terms and convoluted phrases.

It means that those collecting personal data should use language that makes it practicable for individuals to easily understand how their data will be used and shared.

We found a couple of examples – a good one and a not-so-good one. (We don’t include our own here, but please take a look and comment – it’s here).

Example 1: Postal Service

The information collected about you will be used for taking follow up actions on your comment.

Information we collect about you will not be disclosed by us to any other party in a form that would identify you unless it is permitted or authorised by law.

Our general policy is to retain records of your online transactions for 12 months. We do not offer online facilities for you to delete personal data held by us.

Under the Personal Data (Privacy) Ordinance, you have a right to request access to information about you held by us. If you wish to do so, please complete the Data Access Request Form [PDF], and return it at any post office or send it to our Personal Data Protection Officer.
The Data Access Request Form is available at all post offices.

You may also correct information about you held by us. If you wish to do so, please forward your message to us by fax at 2854 9623 or call 2921 2277.

This is fairly good. It’s definitely easy to understand with the information separated into several short paragraphs. It’s also quite friendly (using “you”, “us” and “our”).

We would prefer to make some small changes. We’d remove some of the passive constructions (“…information about you held by us”) or make them active. Also, the final sentence contains several unnecessary words. We’d revise:

If you wish to do so, please forward your message to us by fax at 2854 9623 or call 2921 2277

To do so, please fax us at 2854 9623 or call 2921 2277.

Example 2: Job hunting website

This is too long too paste here. We’ve chosen some highlights:

Purpose Of Collection Of Personal Data

Personal data submitted by Jobseeker will be used for the sole purpose of assisting him/her to find appropriate employment with Employer and assisting Employer to assess the suitability of candidates for a job vacancy in the manner specified on our Job Seekers – Service Guide web page.

The Company collects information about the user that is personally identifiable like name, address, email address, phone number and demographic information including country, age, sex that is not otherwise publicly available. Occasionally, the Company may also collect additional personal data from user in connection with contests, surveys, or special offers.

This uses the terms jobseeker and user interchangeably without first defining these terms. This may be unclear.

It refers to the Company. They may consider using ‘we’ and ‘us’, which would be more friendly or their actual name.

The clumsy construction of ‘him/her’ can be solved by using the plural ‘they’.

We’d rewrite it as:

Why do we collect members’ personal data?

When you sign up as a member of our site, you freely share with us your personal data such as:

Name
Address
Email address
Phone number
Nationality
Age
Gender

We will use such information for the sole purpose of assisting you to find appropriate employment .This may entail sharing your information with Employers for them to assess the suitability of candidates.

More information is at Job Seekers – Service Guide.

Other than this, we may collect additional personal data in connection with contests, surveys, or special offers.

We feel that – here in Asia – the common practice of obscuring information is not malicious. The majority of clients we work with don’t consciously intend to deceive. They are simple ignorant of what their customers want from their written communications.

Let’s hope these recommendations from the Data Privacy Commissioner take root.

It’s the law: federal government to write plain English

October 15th, 2010 No Comments

On 13 October, President Obama signed the ‘Plain Writing Act of 2010′.

The law defines plain writing as:

Writing that is clear, concise, well-organized, and follows other best practices appropriate to the subject or field and intended audience.

They’ll be following the guidelines developed by the Plain Language Action and Information Network guidelines, first published in the mid 90s and revised in 2006.

All federal agencies will have a senior official policing the new requirements and all employees will receive training.

Whilst the act itself is not horrendous, I wouldn’t call it a model of plain writing either.

For example:

Not later than 9 months after the date of enactment of this Act, the head of each agency shall publish on the plain writing section of the agency’s website a report that describes the agency plan for compliance with the requirements of this Act.

A whopping 127 word sentence with multiple breaches of the guidelines!

We suggest the following revision:

Within 9 months of the enactment of this Act, the head of each agency will publish a report that describes how the agency plans to comply with the requirements of this Act. This report is to be posted on the plain writing section of the agency’s website.

Despite its imperfections, this can only be good news for US citizens. Will we see any local governments following suit anytime soon?

Leaders: Lead by example. Write well.

October 8th, 2010 No Comments

Lynn Gaertner-Johnston writes an excellent blog about business writing. Something she wrote this week really hit home. She says:

To leaders who want their teams to write better, I say this: Lead by example. Write well. Share your knowledge. And if you schedule a training program in business writing, attend enthusiastically, side by side with your staff. They will learn more, simply from your presence.

In more than fifteen years of running writing programs, I’ve had ONE boss attend with his team. He was a partner in his law firm – a native English speaker – attending with most of his practice team. Although his staff were a little cautious at first and a bit quiet, it didn’t last. He asked the most questions and became a total convert to the approach of Plain English.

That was leading by example.

Do you enjoy a elastic living?

September 6th, 2010 No Comments

Say what? The tagline for Hopewell Real Estate Agency Ltd’s newish development in Wan Chai is:

the Easiest Way to Enjoy a Elastic Living

If anyone knows what they’re on about, please let us know. Without a Chinese version, we are flummoxed. We can only comment on where they went wrong in the mechanics.

1. the Easiest Way to Enjoy a Elastic Living – Elastic should take the undefinite article ‘an’ since the initial sound is a vowel sound.

2. Ingress is not a word everyone understands. Defined as ‘the act of going in or entering’, we’d suggest ‘enter’ is a more common word that everyone can understand.

3. To explain the offer for cars parked on weekends and holidays, we prefer:

If you park anytime after 6pm, you’ll enjoy free overnight parking until 8am.

Isn’t that so much plainer?

Extreme document makeover – Citibank

September 3rd, 2010 No Comments

A very standard letter. Very unprofessional.

Here it is:

With comments:

And the rewrite:

Dear Ms Customer

Thank you for your application to authorize a direct debit.

It usually takes about one month to process this application. When it is approved, we’ll write to you to confirm the effective date. Until then, please settle your account by check.

If you have any questions, please call our 24 hour Customer Service Department
at 2869 0333.

We appreciate your patience and cooperation.

Yours sincerely

Customer Service Department

Extreme document makeover: Wing Hang Bank

May 19th, 2010 No Comments

I received this letter from Wing Hang Credit recently, with whom I have a mortgage. It took four people and considerable discussion to agree on what we thought the company was trying to say – including two who referred to the Chinese version and found it equally unhelpful:

Dear Sir/Madam

Notice relating to access to Consumer Credit Data held by the Credit Reference Agency

Please be informed that prior to the full settlement of all sums and liabilities in respect of the existing consumer credit facilities granted to or guaranteed by you, we may access your consumer credit data held by the credit reference agency MORE THAN ONE TIMES for the purpose of our review of existing consumer credit facilities (for considering an increase in the credit amount; the curtailing of credit (including the cancellation of credit or a decrease in the credit amount); or the putting in place or the implementation of a scheme of arrangement with you as borrower or guarantor (as the case may be).

You may also make such request directly to the following credit reference agency:

TransUnion Limited (telephone No.: xxxx xxxx)

For any enquiries, please contact our Customer Service Hotline at 2251 0300.

I contacted Wing Hang Credit through their website and – to their credit (no pun intended) – they called me to clarify. The intended message seemed very straightforward and more or less the same as the four of us had eventually agreed on.

I drafted the following re-write and sent it to Wing Hang Credit, inviting them to comment:

Dear Sir/Madam

Access to Credit Data held by Credit Reference Agency

From time to time we need to review the credit rating of our customers with an existing credit facility.

We would therefore like to remind you that we may occasionally need to access your credit data.

We may need to review your credit data if you are:

considering an increase in credit

reducing or canceling credit

changing the parties of your current credit arrangements.

You may also request your own credit rating by contacting the credit reference agency directly:

TransUnion Limited (Tel.: xxxx xxxx)

If you need more information, please contact our Customer Service Hotline at 2251 0300.

The essential meaning appears to be straightforward enough. I’ve asked Wing Hang Credit to explain why they feel they need to communicate with their customers in language drafted by lawyers.

If they take the time to respond, we will of course update you.

Extreme makeover: Sick of HR policies?

May 11th, 2010 No Comments

Recently spotted on a web page of an HR department:

A medical certificate from a registered medical practitioner/registered Chinese medicine practitioner/registered dentist specifying the period of sick leave as well as the nature of sickness or injury is required to support a sick leave application. As a concession, sick leave not exceeding two days may be granted without the requirement of medical certificate. The Head of Department has the discretion to withhold the granting of sick leave not supported by medical certificate. Sick leave more than two days may be granted only on receipt of a proper medical certificate.

If you weren’t already sick, your head would be spinning after reading this.

This paragraph, comprising 89 words, averages at 22.7 words a sentence. This gives it a Flesch reading ease of 29.4 (upper advanced): more difficult to understand than the Harvard Law Review (which scores in the low 30s)!

Flesch Reading Ease

What’s wrong with it?

1. A medical certificate from a registered medical practitioner/registered Chinese medicine practitioner/registered dentist specifying the period of sick leave as well as the nature of sickness or injury is required to support a sick leave application.

Here, 27 of the 35 words specify the subject of the sentence. Many readers will have given up before the end. The writer has made no attempt to relate this information to the reader.

2. As a concession, sick leave not exceeding two days may be granted without the requirement of medical certificate.

This information comes too late. Our colleague read this after submitting a medical certificate: it completely failed to deliver the message.

3. The Head of Department has the discretion to withhold the granting of sick leave not supported by medical certificate. Sick leave more than two days may be granted only on receipt of a proper medical certificate.

The tone is unnecessarily distant, authoritarian and intimidating, especially considering that it is addressed to someone who has recently been sick. It fulfills the vanity of the writer, not the needs of the reader.

Despite its complexity, it is nevertheless grammatically inaccurate. If it were plain English, we feel it would be more successful. How about:

Please read these notes before you apply for sick leave:

If your sick leave is two days or less, you do not need to provide a medical certificate.

If your sick leave is more than two days, you must provide a proper medical certificate from a registered medical practitioner, Chinese medicine practitioner or dentist specifying:

the period of sick leave

the nature of sickness or injury.

The Head of Department has the discretion not to grant sick leave if your application is not supported by a medical certificate.

Words: 94 (slightly longer!)
Words per sentence: 16.0
Flesch reading ease: 60.1 (intermediate) – about the same as an average 11 year old’s written assignment

Feel better now?